I’m a firm believer in cultural literacy: the idea that if you understand a few key concepts and historical events –– the Protestant reformation, the bill of rights, separation of church and state, the reasons for the civil war –– it’s highly likely you’re a useful member of society. This notion of inferred competence works equally well when applied to useful strength benchmarks for fathers.
What is “dad strength”?
The ability to save your own life + the lives of others –– in clutch situations. It’s the kind of physical strength that’s useful when stuff goes wrong and people are depending on you. Every dad ought to meet or exceed his own minimal definition of strong. I’m not a disaster prepper, but I watched a lot of movies & tv during the 80’s involving all-out nuclear war. In the 9th grade, after reading Alas Babylon, I wrote an essay on how to survive being lost at sea for 30 days, and discovered that I really like the idea of being physically prepared for all manner of low-probability/high impact events.
Why dad strength is important
In the world of 2021, where mass shootings, low information voting blocs, nazis, and easy-to-enrage religious zealots are running amok, every person needs to be prepared for weird scenarios.
My dad strength benchmarks
Note: I’m 5’9 and about 152 lbs –– a hulking behemoth by stone age standards, but in today’s world, where sugar kills more humans than al-qaeda –– on the smallish side. Even so, the following benchmarks scale with bodyweight.
Perform 30 consecutive bodyweight dips
Perform 20 consecutive dead-hang bodyweight pull-ups
Perform 1 weighted chin-up with half of your bodyweight added (eg: if you weigh 180 lbs, strap 90 lbs on, and do 1 chin-up)
Perform a static l-sit for 20 seconds or longer (using parallettes, rings, or a bar)
Perform a static inverted tuck hold for 30 seconds (using rings or a bar)
Deadlift 1.5 x your bodyweight at least 5 times
Standing Military press 75% of your bodyweight at least 5 times
Climb a 15 foot rope with just your hands
Swim 25 meters underwater (on a single breath)
Run a quarter mile in less than 1:15
☝🏽Each of the benchmarks above, in isolation, may not seem that useful. Taken together though, they strongly imply a high probability of surviving scenarios involving fire, flood, hurricanes, tsunamis, terrorist attacks, animal stampedes, and general calamity. In essence, a useful skillset for riding the New York City subway system – even in the absence of a total collapse of civilization.
Dad strength scenarios
A wild boar has just entered your house, and is charging up the stairs, straight at your 2 year old. You have to put your toothbrush down, slide tackle the animal, push your kid out of the way, subdue the boar with some improvised jiu jitsu, and somehow dispose of it without bleeding to death.
A meteor has just destroyed half of New York City. The national guard is on its way. Cell phones aren’t working. ATM’s are on the fritz. People are starting to loot. You need to fill up a 5-gallon container of gasoline from the gas station 3 blocks away, and quickly get home.
You’re in an elevator on the 30th floor of a Manhattan high rise, when a dirty bomb detonates. All power to the city gets killed. You pop up out of the top of the elevator (John McClane style) and into the elevator shaft. It’s a 60 foot climb up the suspension cabling to an opening that leads to the roof. Lucky for you, you have a pair of suede gauntlets and a flashlight in your backpack. You have 20 minutes before the radiation kills you.
A helicopter carrying you and your 10 year old daughter has just crashed into the side of a mountain, and is see-sawing over a yawning abyss. Your daughter is pinned under some heavy crates in the back, likely with a broken arm. You need to lift the crates out of the way, then carry your kid (strapped on to you) on to the rocks outside, and shimmy up on to a ledge to wait for rescuers.
While on vacation in Lisbon, a tsunami has struck the entire coastline of Portugal. You and your family have to make it 2 miles inland toward higher ground. There are a series of 8 foot walls that must be climbed. You have to help all of your family members get up and over, then run to the next wall.
Dad strength alone doesn’t cut the mustard
Never forget: you need a lot more than just strength to be an effective dad –– you need patience, general knowledge, erudition, curiosity, emotional intelligence, outlaw-like behavior, and a whole range of scrappy capabilities –– all great subjects for future blog posts.